


the things we love the most (destroy us)

by TooNerdyToHandle



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Crew as Family, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-12-15 21:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11814471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooNerdyToHandle/pseuds/TooNerdyToHandle
Summary: Love isn't always beautiful. Sometimes genetically engineered mad men throw a wrench in things.Alternate version can be found in two weeks to change the world, fourteen days to destroy it





	1. Day One

Len counts the first day as not the day _it_ happened. Instead, he counts it as beginning in the wee hours of the morning nearly a week later as he and Phil stood in a room in Starfleet Medical watching with bloodshot eyes as everything displayed on the monitors leveled into acceptable territory. Jim wasn’t back, not yet, but it was a start. The start that Len needed.

“You should get some sleep,” Phil says softly next to him. He’s probably right, they’ve barely slept for days, barely eaten too. Len can feel himself edging towards collapse, but he’s not there yet. He shakes his head.

“Not yet. I wanna make sure we didn’t miss anything.”

“Len-”

“You should go, Phil. Starfleet’s not happy about this. If they find out you’ve been helpin’ me do this they’ll pull you in too.”

“This is Jim,” Phil pauses for a moment to clear his throat. “This is Chris’s boy.” Len turns slightly to look at him, and he catches the moisture gathering in Phil’s eyes. Phil clears his throat again and quickly wipes his eyes. He stands a little straighter. “Get some sleep. I’ll be back in a few hours.” He’s gone out the door with that. Len still has no intention of sleeping.

He’s still up when the sun rises and exposes the decimated coast line. He doesn’t take the time to look. There’s only time for double checking. Triple checking. Everything to ensure this works. He doesn’t entertain the possibility that he could fail. He doesn’t acknowledge how close he is to knowing exactly how Phil Boyce feels, how close he is to losing the man that he loves. He refuses to allow it to happen.

Len’s aware of Sulu entering not long after he notices the sun shining through the windows. He’s also aware of the man trying to speak to him, not what he’s saying, just the sound of his voice. He’s too busy looking between the monitors, the PADD in his hand, and the bio bed.

“Bones.”

It’s the first word he catches. He grips the PADD tighter and turns toward Sulu. Sulu’s staring right back at him, knowing exactly what he’s done.

“You need a break,” Sulu says gently.

“Don’t you- don’t you fucking call me-” Len’s breath hitches in his throat. Sulu’s hit just the right button, and Len is entertaining the idea that maybe everything he and Phil have done is for nothing. That maybe Sulu getting his attention is the last time he’ll ever hear anyone call him Bones. That maybe this is one hail Mary that will won’t work. That maybe Jim is past saving, and all of this is simply a dream that will never come true.

He’s dropped to his knees with Sulu’s arms around him before he even realizes what’s happened. He maintains his composure briefly before accepting that this is Sulu, his friend, a man he trusts. He simply grips the back of Sulu’s jacket, buries his head into the man’s shoulder, and lets everything else go.

“I know,” Sulu says. Len can’t help but notice the slight quiver in his voice. “I know.”

By the time they move from the floor, Len’s knees hurt and Phil is back and examining the monitors. Sulu stands, offering his hand to help Len up. Len doesn’t miss the red rims of his eyes as he pulls himself up. Phil glances over but asks no questions.

“Anything?” Len asks, ignoring the crack in his voice.

“No. No, not yet. This may be a long process,” Phil responds gently. Something aches in Len. He knows it may take a while, but the thought of being without Jim any longer is a special kind of painful. And if it doesn’t work at all…

“Will it even work?” Sulu asks quietly, vocalizing what Len is thinking. Phil and Len exchange glances. Neither of them knows. They leave the answer to silence. Sulu must understand because he simply drops into a chair against the wall and doesn’t ask again.

Len attempts to re-enter his cycle of checking and double checking, but instead, he receives Phil’s hand on his shoulder and the order to sleep. Not an order exactly, but Len has enough sense left to know that Phil’s not letting him touch a thing until he’s slept. He grabs a second chair from next to Sulu, pulls it up next to the bio bed, and settles in. He makes sure that one hand remains on Jim’s.

 

* * *

 

It’s a fitful sleep, but it's sleep. He awakens several times, taking a few moments to take in what’s around him before resigning to sleep again. Phil carrying in a third chair, probably from his own office, and settling down on the other side of the bio bed, PADD in hand. Sulu up and pacing, talking on a comm, most likely to Ben from what Len picks up of the conversation. Sulu gone later, Phil standing at the windows and staring out at what’s left of San Francisco. He sniffs and wipes his eyes on his sleeves. Len debates staying awake to be with Phil but his exhaustion wins and he slips back into sleep.

When he’s awoken by something other than his own nerves, the sun is setting and Sulu is standing over him, one hand on his shoulder, the other holding out a take out box. “From Ben,” he says quietly, setting the box on Len’s lap before walking away. He settles back into his own chair, leaning his head back against the wall.

“Thank you, Hikaru,” Len says, sitting up fully. Len can’t decide if he’s thanking him for the food, or if he’s thanking him for just being. It doesn’t seem to matter either way to Sulu, who simply gives a small smile, the most real Len has seen in a week, and nods.

 

* * *

 

Sulu leaves late. It leaves Len and Phil with nothing to do but stare at readouts and wait. They’d been doing something next to constantly for the last week, and it’s the first opportunity for down time they’ve really had. Len returns to his chair to examine readout records, looking for a change in _anything_. Phil seemed content to return to his own chair and simply rest, at least for a few minutes. But the few minutes ended, and he returned to the window, back to Len. Len stands and goes with him this time. They stand nearly shoulder to shoulder for a moment, looking out, before Phil turns his head to look at Len.

“I hope you never have to feel this,” he says, his voice shaking. Len turns to look at him, and again he sees the tears gathering. “I know that you’re feeling something similar, but this… this I would never wish upon anyone.” The dam breaks, right then and there, and Len repeats Sulu’s actions from earlier in the day.

It’s a long night for both of them.  


	2. Day 2

The second day brings little change in anything but the company. Jim shows no sign of changing. Neither Len or Phil sleep during the night, instead taking turns checking monitors and PADDS and pacing the room. Somewhere around four in the morning, Len suggests that maybe Phil should go home, get some sleep, and maybe a shower. When Phil responds that he doesn’t find himself really wanting to go home anytime soon, something in Len’s stomach twists and flips. He doesn’t make the suggestion again.

  
Nyota comes somewhere around eight. Leonard silently thanks whatever higher power there may or may not be that Nyota Uhura is who she is and that he now has the fresh scrubs she has with her. He hadn’t really wanted to go home either.

  
They hug after she sets the scrubs in a chair. When Len leans his head silently against her shoulder, she laces her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck, her other arm still around his middle. “What else do you need?” she asks softly.

  
“A shower,” Phil says. Len can tell he’s doing his best to make a joke and lighten the mood. He falls a little short. It’s been days since either of them has showered. The room probably doesn’t smell particularly good. Nyota pulls away, nodding toward the door when Len lifts his head.

  
“Nobody’s going anywhere, Len. You need to take care of yourself too,” she says. Len knows she’s right. Even still, he turns and allows his gaze to linger on Jim’s still form for a moment. Then he turns to Phil, who nods in approval.

  
“I’ll be here looking after him. Go, Len.”

  
Len doesn’t dare to even leave the hospital to shower. Instead, the whole time he’s in the shower, panic consumes him. All he can seem to think of is not being there if something happens to Jim. He trusts Phil, of course he does, wholeheartedly he does, but the thought of not being there again pushes to the forefront. By the time his short shower is over, he’s rushing to get back to Jim. He throws his scrub shirt on backward and doesn’t even bother with shoes. He carries them instead.  
When he gets there, nothing has changed, at least not with Jim. The only changes are the coffees Uhura and Phil are now holding, and that they’ve both taken a seat. They both look to him when he enters, but Phil speaks first.

  
“He’s alright, son. Nothing changed.”

  
“I left to get coffee. Dr. Boyce stayed. We didn’t leave him alone, not even for a second,” Uhura reassures him. Len forces his breathing to slow and tries to get his heart to stop pounding. Nothing happened. Everything is as he left it.

  
“Thank you,” Len says. It comes out cracked and stressed, but it doesn’t change how much he means it. He’s not all that sure who he’s talking to.

  
“If you turn your shirt around and put your shoes back on I might just have coffee for you too,” Uhura teases. Len musters a small smile and completes the requests. Nyota does indeed have coffee for him. He takes it gladly and settles back into his seat next to Jim’s bed, the panic from his shower still pricking at his mind.

* * *

 Nyota doesn’t stay too long. Len supposes it’s because the coffee seems to be having the opposite of the intended effect on Phil, who appears to be crashing and crashing hard. Even so, Len still learns that Spock is doing his best to keep the brass off Len’s tail, at least for now. Apparently, it’s why Len hasn’t seen him for a few days, not since he came in when Len and Phil were still working on the serum. He had provided quiet assistance, a few suggestions, but he had said nothing about what exactly he had been up to. Len makes a mental note to thank him later.

  
Len and Uhura embrace once more before she leaves, and Len promises that, yes, he’ll comm if they need anything or if anything changes. Uhura promises to return soon. Phil gives the best goodbye he can muster. Nyota seems almost hesitant to leave but does so anyway.

  
Len and Phil sit in silence for a few moments. Phil has nearly resigned to sleep, having slid down in his seat to put his head against the back, legs stretched out in front of him, and his arms crossed over his stomach. Len decides to ask a question while he still has the opportunity.

  
“Phil?” Phil hums back in response, acknowledging he heard and giving Len permission to carry on with his question. “Where have you been going if you haven’t been home?” Phil doesn’t open his eyes, but he does give a small smile.

  
“I haven’t gone further than my office, Len. I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to leave you here without help close by. Office it is.”

  
“I don’t want to go home either,” Len admits quietly.

  
“Why would you? He’s everywhere.”

* * *

Len’s up and pacing when his comm buzzes in his pocket. It’s Sulu. 

 _Any changes? Need lunch supplied?_ Len returns to his seat before responding.

  
_No changes. No lunch. Spend the day with your husband_ he texts back. His phone doesn’t buzz again, which in the case of Hikaru Sulu, is usually some form of “okay”. Len sighs and restarts his pacing.

* * *

 Phil sleeps into the late afternoon. Even so, Len supposes they’re still on the same level with the amount of sleep they’ve gotten. He catches Phil waking with a look of confusion on his face. It lasts a few seconds while Phil seems to examine the room around him and then it fades slowly, recognition taking over. Len doesn’t miss the pain in his eyes. “Phil?” he asks gently. Phil gives him a broken chuckle, shaking his head.

  
“I forgot,” Phil responds, voice crackling. “You get so used to waking up a certain way and well…” he trails off and wipes the moisture gathering in his eyes. “I guess that’s what I get for falling asleep on the job.” Len decides to venture into a possibly dangerous territory.

  
“Do you wish you had been there?” Len trusts that Phil knows what he means. He looks away from Phil and to Jim instead. There’s a long silence. It’s nearly brutal.  
“I don’t know,” Phil says quietly. “I couldn’t have done much. Told him I loved him one last time. But he knew that. I doubt he could have responded.” Another silence takes hold, but this one is much shorter. “He texted me to tell me he was headed to a meeting. I was in surgery. I didn’t respond. Didn’t even see it until after. He said he might be home late, and that he loved me.”

  
Len can think of nothing to say but “Jesus…”

  
Phil takes in a shaky breath. “You never think about seeing someone for the last time until it’s already passed.” Len agrees silently.

  
No visitors come the rest of the day and night. Len finds himself trying to commit every feature of Jim Kirk’s appearance to memory. He prays for the first time in a long time that he hasn’t seen the blue of his eyes for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was pretty short, but I just wanted to touch more on Phil and his relationship with Len. The next chapter should be longer, with the possibility of a surprise guest.


	3. Day 3

Hugh Culber has come and dragged Phil off to eat when Len gets a visitor he never expected to receive, didn’t even consider receiving. Ambassador Spock is so quiet upon his entrance that Len isn’t even all that sure how long he’s been there when he finally notices. They stare at each other for a few long moments before Len realizes they’re never actually interacted. Spock is the one to finally break the silence. 

“Doctor McCoy,” he says, inclining his head slightly as a nod of greeting. 

“Ambassador,” Len responds. He doesn’t add ‘Spock’ to the end. He’s still a little unsure what to think of the whole thing. 

“If you do not wish for me to be here, I understand.” 

“No. Just surprised me is all.” The Ambassador nods politely. “You can come in, if you want. You don’t have to stay standin’ in the doorway.” More silence follows as Ambassador Spock enters the room completely and examines the scene before him. 

After a while, Len can’t keep himself from asking. 

“Ambassador…. Did- Did this happen in your timeline?” Ambassador Spock seems to examine him before he responds. 

“As you know, I have sworn to my counterpart and to your captain that I would not reveal to them anything that might alter their destiny in this time. I intend to uphold this with you as well.” 

“I understand.” 

“However, Doctor, this does not appear to be one of those times,” the Ambassador exhales something akin to a sigh and straightens his back. “It did not happen quite like this, no.” 

“Jim or Khan?” 

“Both.” 

“So this wasn’t meant to happen?” Len’s been unable to keep himself from wondering whether this whole thing was preventable. 

“I can not say. The deviations of the timelines created an infinite number of new possibilities, fates, and destinies. Khan may exist in every universe. He may not. I do not have the knowledge to confirm either.” 

“What happened in your timeline? With Khan.” 

Ambassador Spock hesitates. He raises his eyes to make eye contact with Len. “Jim Kirk was not the one to realign the warp core.” 

Len’s mind starts to race considering the possibilities. His Jim would not send someone to their death, certainly not if he thought he could handle it himself. It’s what got them here in this situation in the first place. His mind can think of only one solution.  _ He didn’t know _ . Then he sees something in the Ambassador that makes everything in his mind come to a screeching halt. 

“It was you. You aligned the core. You didn’t tell him what you were doing.” 

Ambassador Spock nods. “Yes. My McCoy and Mr. Scott attempted to stop me, but I knew it was the only solution.” Something in Len runs cold. 

“Your McCoy was there when you…” 

“Yes.” Len turns, grips the end of the biobed and lets out a bitter laugh. 

“Of course he was.” 

“Doctor?” 

“I wasn’t there, Spock. I wasn’t- I wasn’t with him when…” Len can feel the tears gathering in his eyes. He pays no mind to the fact that he called the Ambassador ‘Spock’. “I was in Medbay. Scotty didn’t tell me what he had done until he was already... “ Len’s voice cracks. “Why wasn’t I there?” By the end of the sentence, his voice is high like a child’s. 

“I can’t answer that for you, Doctor.” Len manages to steel himself again after a few moments holding the biobed with a white-knuckled grip. 

“I know. I know you can’t. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-” 

“There is no need to apologize to me, Leonard.” Len nods and releases his grip on the biobed. He stands up straighter and watches Jim. 

“What happened? To your Kirk, I mean. And were he and your McCoy…” 

“Together? Yes. But there are other variables involved that you must discover for yourself. As for my Jim…” Ambassador Spock trails off for a moment before continuing. “I can not tell you exactly what transpired. If this Jim recovers, the fate of my Jim is still possible to him. I may influence his destiny if I were to tell you. If you are anything like my Leonard, and I believe you are, I know that you will never let the event come to pass.” Len knows he is right and doesn’t bother to argue. 

“Were you there? Your McCoy?” 

“No. No one was with him.” Len closes his eyes. He has never wanted to consider that possibility. 

“He died alone.” 

“Yes. He always believed he would.” Len is suddenly desperate for a change of subject. He turns back to face Ambassador Spock.

“Were there any other differences in your timeline? Maybe something not so catastrophic.” The smallest hint of a smile crosses the face of the man in front of him. 

“Your eyes were blue. His were brown.” 

 

* * *

 

Phil returns with a container of leftovers they both know he’s not going to eat. He sets it on the table in the corner before grabbing a PADD and updating himself on Jim’s nonexistent progress. “Anything while I was gone?” he asks, not looking up from the PADD and sitting down in his chair.

“No. Nothing. Not even the slightest tick.” Phil nods solemnly. 

“Maybe we should ask Hugh. Third set of eyes couldn’t hurt.” 

“No, Phil. I’m not dragging someone else into this.” Phil glances up momentarily, nods, and returns his eyes to the PADD. Len sighs, settling into his chair. “Did you eat something?” Another nod. “You okay? You’re being quiet.” There’s a beat of hesitation before Phil shakes his head. He sets his PADD onto the biobed and leans his head into his hands. 

“I, uh, I went back to the apartment to grab a fresh shirt. Figured I had to do it sooner or later,” Phil’s voice cracks and then makes some kind of choked sound. “Christ, Len, I didn’t make it past the fucking couch.” Phil is barely able to get the words out over the quiver in his voice. He stands abruptly from the chair, turning away from Len. “The whole place smelled like him. I can’t- I can’t go back there, Len, I can’t.” He’s sobbing by the time he stops talking. Len stands and walks over to him, tentatively setting a hand on his shoulder. 

“Okay, okay,” Len says gently. “You need something from home you tell me, all right? We can send someone after it. No one’s makin’ you go back until you’re ready to. You’re not lettin’ me do this alone, so I’m not lettin’ you do this alone either.” He pulls Phil’s shoulder until he turns to face him. Phil lets Len hug him and grips the front of his scrub shirt. 

 

* * *

 

It takes Len’s comm going off with the same call three times before he silences it and sets it next to Phil’s untouched leftovers. Guilt twists his stomach for doing so, but it’s not enough to make him pick up. Phil looks up from the biobed readouts to watch him.

“Who are you ignoring?” Phil asks. Len shakes his head, finding his seat again. 

“Doesn’t matter.” Phil sighs and abandons his task to walk away toward the table. “Phil, really, it’s not-” Phil picks up the comm anyway to read the ID. Len promptly avoids eye contact. 

“How long has she been calling you, Len?” Phil’s using that stupidly gentle doctor voice. 

“Since all this started.”

“Why aren’t you answering?” Len has nothing to offer but a shrug, despite the fact that he knows exactly why. 

“Len… Does she even know you’re okay?” Len gives a nod this time. Phil sighs. “Why aren’t you picking up? God, Len, she’s your mother, she’s probably worried sick.” 

“I can’t, Phil, I just can’t.” 

“Tell her about Jim?” Len gives another nod. 

“I understand that. But you can’t avoid her forever, Len. Just call her. You need all the support you can get right now.” 

“Phil…” 

“Len. I will be here the whole time. If you need to hang up, you need to hang up. You want to silence your comm again when you’re done? Okay. But at least give her one call. That’s all I’m asking.” Len turns his head to Phil holding out the comm. “The way you talk about her, I know you’re close. You need her right now, Len. Please.” Len sighs and holds out his hand for the comm. 

They settle on just a voice call. Len doesn’t think he can stand to look his mother in the eye yet. He swears the comm doesn’t even have time to go off on his mother’s end. He had been hoping for at least a couple rings, or maybe her not picking up at all, as some kind of delay to the inevitable. But he apparently has no luck left in his system. 

“Hello? Leonard?” Len can’t make his mouth move to respond. “Len? Are you there, baby?” Len leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees and place his forehead in his free hand. He feels Phil put a hand on his back, right between his shoulder blades. 

“Yeah, Mama, it’s me.” 

“Leonard Horatio, I have been worried sick about you! Are you alright? Were you hurt? They aren’t sayin’ much of anythin’ on the news releases-” 

“Mama. Mama, I’m okay. I wasn’t hurt.”

And then his mother asks the question he’s been dreading. 

“Is James okay?” Len feels the pressure building up behind his eyes and the burn starting in his throat. 

He manages to get out an “um” before his voice cracks and he has to squeeze his eyes shut. Phil’s hand hasn’t left his back and starts rubbing circles instead. 

“Leonard? What’s happened?” 

“Jim, uh. He’s hurt. It’s, um,” his voice cracks again and he stops to take a deep breath. He tries to focus on the feeling of Phil’s hand on his back rather than the words coming out of his mouth. “I don’t know if…. I dunno if he’s gonna make it through this one, Mama.” There’s a prolonged silence on the other end of the line where Len thinks his mother must be processing what he’s said. 

“Oh, Len…” she pauses again. “What happened?” 

Len shakes his head unnecessarily. “I can’t tell you, Mama. Not yet.” 

“Do you need me to fly out? I can start lookin’ maybe be there tomorrow afternoon-” 

“No, no, it’s okay. There’s nothin’ you can do here besides sit and wait.” 

“Are you sure?” his mother’s concern practically melts through the comm. 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Len sighs and moves his free hand into his hair. “Mama? Keep Jojo away from all this, okay? I don’t want her to know ‘til I have an answer on how this is gonna end.” 

“Of course, baby. Jocelyn’s been trying to keep her away, anyway,” Len can’t help but sigh in relief. “And if you change your mind about me comin’ out, let me know right away.” 

“I will.” 

The call ends with the usual goodbyes and Len promising that he’ll let her know if he needs anything. 

Phil doesn’t ask if he’s okay, he already knows the answer. He simply removes his hand from Len’s back long enough to grab a chair and pull it over before returning. 

“What if this doesn’t work? What then?” Len asks. He’s still clutching the comm in one hand.

Phil doesn’t answer with anything more than his hand returning to Len’s back. 


End file.
